Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Schwam Says...

On the eve of another Philadelphia Flyers Hockey season, I was thinking about how much "people" hate hockey. And by people... I mean ordinary people. People that don't miss NHL 2nite on ESPN. People that don't fawn over the Vs. schedule during the playoffs when they see an east-coast game scheduled for the 7pm time slot followed by a west-coast game at 10pm. These people don't agree with you that "Mites on Ice" should be a professional sport. But what if they did? What if hockey was as popular as American Football and received that type of attention? Pardon me for a minute whilst I wax as Andy Rooney. Didja ever wonder why Steve Sabol of NFL Films never created NHL Films? Why he didn't hire Harry Kalas to do dramatic voice overs of slow motion hockey hi-lights while that "drunken sailor" song played in the background? Why there isn't NHL Countdown hosted by Chris Berman, where he gives all players catchy nicknames? Well I have, and after the JUMP, I take on the roll of the Schwam and give nick-names to all your favorite Flyers Players.

1. Jeff "Welcome Back" Carter.
2. Steve "Robert" Downie "Jr."
3. Scottie "Let's go out in Olde City and get fucked" Upshall.
4. Mike "Michael" Richards. (just think, he could exit the penalty box different each time)
5. Arron "If you guys are smoking cigarettes in here, you better have somewhere to" Asham.
6. Mike "The whole kit n'... " Knuble.
7. Danny "Here, there, ev-" Briere.
8. Riley "Can I take your hat and" Cote.
9. Joffrey "Loop de" Lupul
10. Jared "I got it at" Ross.
11. Simon "Back back back" Gagne.
12. Scott "Let my love open the door to your " Hartnell.

1. Randy "Me and Mrs... Mrs." Jones.
2. Kimmo "Therapy" Timmonen.
3. Lasse "Coo-Coo for "Kukkonen.
4. Ossi "I live in a" Vaananen. (down by the river)
5. Luca "The Irish..." Sisba. (ironic) or Luca "I live on the 2nd floor, I live upstairs from you" Sisba.
6. Steve "Emin" Eminger.
7. Ryan "Don't call me Bernie" Parent.
8. Braydon "My hair" Coburn.

1. Marty "Beef and" Biron.
2. Antero "Melick-a" Nittymaki (is the thing to say, on a bright Hawaiin x-mas day).

Honorable Mention: (he didn't make the team, but I've been waiting to use this one...)
Andreas "Cup O'..." Nodl.

thanks to ha-mace for the really stupid ones


Anonymous said...

Football is filled with fat people who can only handle one game a week. Much of the fans are the same way. Hockey fans have a little more stamina. I like having a smaller fans base, could you imagine Eagles fans bitching and whining more then one day a week? No thanks.

Mike said...

Wow, they wrecked Sbisa's last name there...