Monday, May 7, 2007

Everybody Hurts...

I hated Spiderman 3. I loathed it. You've probably heard it elsewhere on the web, but it really can't be said enough. Every single character in this movie cries at least twice. The producers of Spiderman 3 should have hooked up with Kleenex for some sort of promotional deal. After the jump you'll get my cliff's notes version of why this is the worst film of all time.

1. see headline.

2. Sandman didn't have that baddass corn rows hair-do from the comics.

3. At one point during the film, I thought I had stumbled into "Dreamgirls" or "Chicago." There's two songs AND a dance number.

4. The Black suit allows Spidey all sorts of new abilities. It lets him look like Jared Leto from 30 seconds to Mars. It lets him play the piano in a jazz club like he was Thelonius Monk. Plus, it makes his dick bigger.

5. Kirsten Dunst is starting to look like her last name sounds. And Bryce Dallas Howard looks like an albino in a blonde wig. PASTY!

6. Speaking of B.D.H., Sam Raimi seems to be stealing some things from M. Night Shamalammayammmadongski. With each new film, he's giving more screen time and more lines to Stan Lee and Bruce Campbell.

7. I thought we'd make it through a Spiderman film where the CGI artists wouldn't have him whoring out the American flag. Guess not.

8. And finally, three words: Saturday Night Fever.

1 comment:

C Valuck said...

It's bothersome that the black suit turned him into Ron Burgundy, except with jazz piano instead of jazz flute. Lovely.